There’s a strange phenomenon that takes place in modern society. When someone is grieving, many, if not most, people around that person keep their distance. They won’t call, show up, or even send a card. Of course, this avoidance only makes the grief of the bereaved that much harder. But what’s happening? Are those people just mean, rude or callous? No. The reality is that avoidance of grief is a trauma and fear-based response.
Here’s what’s going on, and how to fix it:
Discomfort Can Lead to Paralysis
Perhaps the most important thing to realize about grief and loss is that it’s a taboo for many people in the United States. For some reason no one seems to be able to pinpoint, death is a forbidden subject in this country. The mere mention of grief and loss can lead to feelings of discomfort and dismay. And people don’t know what to do when they’re feeling uncomfortable, so, quite often, they freeze.
Freezing is a trauma response of sorts, and it only becomes worse the longer you allow it to continue. Even if it feels uncomfortable, addressing the issue head-on can often make you feel more at ease, or at the very least, better prepared. Essentially, if you had just sent a soup care package or a card that says, “I’m sorry for your loss,” you’re much more likely to be able to move forward. But in doing nothing because you feel paralyzed, you’re more likely to continue to do nothing, largely because you feel guilty for not having done something already. This pattern can continue on indefinitely and even ruin relationships.
Vulnerability and Fear Can Lead to Avoidance
Another common reason people avoid the recently bereaved is that they think loss is somehow contagious. There’s an interesting belief many in this society have adopted that thinking about death or being close to someone who has experienced loss will lead to their own loss. Much of this feeling likely comes from the fact that humans tend to feel powerless in the face of loss. After all, you have very little control over many causes of death.
When you feel powerless, you feel vulnerable, and vulnerability can lead to fear. That fear then causes you to avoid anyone who might make you feel vulnerable. So, rather than simply picking up the phone to tell your friend or loved one, “I’m thinking of you,” you don’t pick up the phone at all. Illogical as it is, you feel “safer” not reaching out. But the truth is the exact opposite, of course: the more you reach out when someone else is in need, the more likely it is that others will be there for you when you are inevitably in a time of need.
Grief Is Already Lonely
Here’s the bottom line: grief and loss are already lonely feelings. Even though you can reason that plenty of people have lost a parent, sibling, spouse, or child, it still, in the moment, feels like you are the only one. No matter how much someone else can relate, this specific experience feels unique to you. For this reason, many people might feel like they don’t even want someone to reach out to them when they’re grieving at first.
In the end, however, it is your loved ones, your community, that get you through the hard times. It’s the friend who keeps checking in, the spouse who takes on your share of the domestic duties, or your sibling who sends a housekeeper once a week that keeps you going. It doesn’t take much to stay connected to someone who’s suffering from a loss. Start out small, just a card in the mail or a text, if that’s all you feel up to, but keep in touch.
Distance Can Make Grief Isolating
Why is staying connected so important? Because as lonely as the grieving process is on its own, without people to support you, it’s isolating. People who are grieving without support can easily fall into depression, become anxious, and stop living their daily lives. Once it gets to that point, the bereaved person may start pushing others away and becoming embittered by life to the point where they disconnect from all the things that make them happy.
The spiral downward can get really dark. To combat this, the friends and loved ones of the person grieving must maintain a tether. It’s important to watch for signs of depression in your loved one who is grieving. You can provide a kind of silent support for someone who asks for space by sending gift cards for food, food delivery, or a gift basket filled with their favorite items. Think of what you know about the person, and do what makes the most sense for you and them.
Communication Is Key
Ultimately, the first and most important thing you can do for someone who’s grieving is to keep the lines of communication open. Recognize when your friend or loved one is having a tough time and start with a simple point of connection. Sending a card or a sympathy care package is a good way to reach out without moving too far outside of your comfort zone. “There,” you can think to yourself. “At least I did something.” This simple action that takes you no more than a few minutes lets the person know that you care and stops you from becoming paralyzed.
From there, you can pick up the phone after a couple of weeks to check in. If they don’t answer their phone, you can leave a message. “Hi,” You could say. “I wanted to check on you to see how you’re doing and if I can help with anything at all.” Let your loved one set the boundaries and tell you what they need. Then, follow their lead. If they say they’re fine and don’t need anything, make a note to check in again a couple of weeks later, and then again a couple of weeks after that. Grief has no timeline, and sometimes the hardest parts of grief come months down the road.
Don’t Let Your Grieving Loved One Get Lost
There are many reasons why people avoid the recently bereaved, and most of them center around your own vulnerabilities, fears, and discomforts. The best thing you can do to overcome those roadblocks to supporting your loved one in their time of need is to take action now. Count down from five, and when you get to zero, send the text, go buy the gift card or pick out a few sympathy gifts. Delaying your support only makes a lonely time more isolating, and you can do hard things.